so i have been doing a lot of self reflecting lately and i have discovered a lot of things about myself that i feel like are issues that i want to resolve in order for me to grow progressively as a person and also to build better relationships with the people that are in my life. now, this is not to say that i am a person with deep dark secrets and a horrible childhood or anything, i’m generally a happy person and i think that i have lived a pretty good eighteen and a half years so far; there are just things that i think are just pointlessly lingering and serve no purpose but to bring myself down as well as the people surrounding me.

1. i have attachment issues. i tend to think that i am much closer to some people than i actually am. i don’t know if this is caused by my upbringing or anything, but it’s something that i have to resolve because i am very vulnerable in my attached state. i have never had any really close relationships with anyone. like, i’m close with my family, but that’s only because i am bound to them geographically. friends have been coming and going all my life and i wish i have someone to call like a best best friend, but i don’t. i guess in a way, i long for close relationships with people, which is why i may get very attached to some people because i want them to stay in my life. 

i made a list of other things wrong with me on a post-it note but i’m getting really lazy right now so i’ll end this for now.

i am just so emotionally distraught lately. at home, at work, anywhere really.

so i got my third write up at work over the weekend and needless to say, i was very upset about it. i was told that people usually get fired with the third write up, and that because i am a good worker, i get one final chance. i have decided to just move on, do my job and remain professional with my co-workers, and let bygones be bygones. however, it is still very disheartening to know that i am on thin ice at work and that i am quite disposable. 

via text yesterday night, my manager/on and off “friend” told me that he was upset with something i said the day prior. i asked him why and he said that he got upset when i asked him if he was going to leave work anytime soon on monday. i tell him that i was only asking him that to know if he was free to hangout with me because i wasn’t needed at work after i arrived and had nothing planned, which was the truth. and then he replies with, “like, if i thought u had really been disrespectful, and meant it, i wouldve fired u yesterday.” i am honestly so tired of him threatening to fire me and i really would quit if there was a job just waiting to hire me, but i don’t, and i’m so sick of being afraid to step on anyone’s toes at work because they will probably go and make a complaint about me.

and it’s the same old, same old at home. my mom is still a fucking bitch. 

ugh.

i really hate it when people say things that can cause a rift in the relationship that i have with them and then act like nothing was said and everything is fine and dandy while i’m left offended, upset, and mad that they are oblivious to what my feelings are and that i’ve felt like that for no reason once realizing that they simply just don’t care.

i really hate it when customers ask me if yogurt has milk in it or if yogurt is dairy, or how many calories one flavor has compared to another. it’s fucking annoying. obviously yogurt has milk in it, yogurt is fucking made out of it, you fucking retard. and it’s just a fucking yogurt with like 100 calories, it’s not gonna kill you. it’s non-fat so just get the fuck over it.

i really hate it when people want to see the “serious side” of me. i am generally a silly person and i like to laugh literally 24/7, i’m not putting up a front, nor is my personality a “persona” as if i’m just “acting” a role like in a movie or something. obviously there are different sides of me, like the bitch side when people are being dumb asses telling me how i can’t be taken seriously. i’ll be serious when i need to be, and maybe if people got to know me better and not read me after knowing me for like a month, they would know that. it pisses me off that this is even an issue to begin with. what’s wrong with surrounding myself with positive energy and maintaining my happiness?

i also really hate it when people make plans and then doesn’t pick up when i call them an hour or two before the scheduled time. 

i can’t think of anything else at the moment, but i probably will later.

i could be better. 

i’m really tired physically and mentally, and kind of just moping around.

i think that’s just all i’m gonna do today. just mope around at home.

nothing productive will be done today. and i’ve been having the “rest when i die” mindset lately, so knowing that i won’t be doing anything productive today is kind of upsetting me.

*sigh*

i guess my “fling” or whatever ended. and just when i started actually liking him. although i promised myself that i wasn’t going to date him, he really is a nice guy to be around and it was fun making out with him and playing with his eight inch cock in public, and i’m gonna miss being with him. apparently i “mess around, push and abuse” him and am obnoxious at times. i also “flip flop back and forth” and “treat (him) like a dog, loosening and tightening (his) leash at my leisure.” honestly, the only part that made sense out of that whole text message was the part about me being obnoxious—that i could understand.

i guess that’s that. i mean i’m not over it yet, but i will be. life goes on~*~

and a word of advice, never befriend your boss outside of work. or any of his friends as well.

anyway, the spring 2010 semester is finally over and i can’t wait to work full-time at pinkberry over the summer! </sarcasm> i will be working with paul and ashton, both whom i have helped get the job at my store, so that should be fun. i got a B- in biology, which is a shocker because i got less than stellar test/quiz scores the whole semester except for the final in the class. it’s funny, the girl i cheated on got a 86 on the final and i got a 90. go figure. it just shows that god is always on my side. i don’t know who i’m praying to when i’m joke-praying, but it sure is working out for me!

my family is still a pain. nothing new here. my fucking bitch, cunt, asshole, shithead (etc., etc.) mother opened a letter addressed to me and left it on my desk today. when i asked about it, she went on to act like she did me a favor by saving me the hassle of the oh so difficult task of ripping the letter open, and then yelled at me in an irrational manner when i complained about my privacy being invaded. like… seriously? …seriously?

whatever. bitch is fucking nuts.

i cannot wait for june, lots of things planned already. i hope this will be a summer to remember. :)

omg bitches who come into class with loudass music coming from their headphones who think they’re so0o0o cool and know that people can hear their rude asses are just embarrassing themselves and look dumb as hayl. in other news, the guy that i had a crush on from BIO now has a full beard and now i like him again.